“I don’t want to do this,” I say for the fourth time.
Under the table, James slips a hand into mine and gives it a brief squeeze. “I know you don’t. I know neitherof you do. But I think it’ll work.”
“It’s too fucked up, Jamie,” I say. When Ben’s eyes flicker towards me, I amend, as casually as I can, “James. This is, i-it’s disgusting, it’s manipulative. I’m not okay with this.”
“And I’m not okay with having my best friend leave rehab just to relapse the first time he sees Mr. Freckles again,” James says flatly. “If we can arrange a meeting between them now, while Garen is still essentially under lock and key, it’ll give him a chance to at least have his breakdown under supervision. It’ll still be ugly. But at least this way, we won’t have to worry about him disappearing for good.”
Ben gives an unnaturally slow shrug. “I don’t mind doing it.”
Yeah, of course you don’t. I’m going to vomit, I swear. “I mind you doing it, dude. It’s been a month now, and you still can’t even handle hearing someone say his name. I really don’t think that getting back with him to convince him to go visit Garen is—”
“I’m not getting back with him,” Ben interrupts. “I’m just sleeping with him. Once. You don’t… you’ve never been with Travis, not really. You don’t know what he’s like afterwards.”
“And you think his little afterglow will give you the opportunity to convince him that it’s in everyone’s best interest for him to go visit Garen tomorrow?” James says.
Ben almost smiles. It might look like a smile, maybe to James, or anyone else here, but I’ve known him too long, too well. He doesn’t mean it for a second. Still, he straightens up in his chair and says, “I can be very persuasive when I want to be. And when it comes to sex, Travis isn’t like us.”
James quirks an eyebrow. “Us?”
“People like you and I,” Ben says, with a barely imperceptible flick of the eyes towards me, as if to assure me that of course he just means James and himself. Not me. Not poor, (not very) virginal Alex. For the nine millionth time in two months and two weeks, I want to tell him about me and James, but nothing comes out. He continues, “Sex still means something to Travis. He honestly believes that it’s something people have to show how much they love each other.”
“And you?” James prompts.
“I lost my virginity in the backseat of a Honda to a guy whose last name I still don’t know. I’m not a naïve as Travis is,” Ben says flatly. “If I sleep with him, he’ll know I’m… he’ll assume it’s because we’re still in love. He’s not stupid, so it’s not like he’ll assume we’re back together. But he’ll feel like we are, and that should be enough to get him to listen to me about visiting Garen. Just tell me how you want this to go down, and I’ll make it happen.”
“I’m still not okay with this,” I say. James reaches up to card his fingers through the hair that falls against the nape of my neck, in what I assume he intends to be a comforting gesture. The way Ben’s brow furrows in slight confusion just makes me feel a little ill, though, so I shrug his hand off.
“We just need to plant the seeds of the idea when he’s here, with all of us. We’ll tell him about the meetings Garen’s counselors are urging him to go to, and Alex, maybe you could say something about how we all need to be there for him now,” James says.
I shake my head a little. “I can’t improvise, I won’t—”
“Just say… ‘I guess it’s just important that he has a support system in place. After everything that’s happened, nobody expects you to join that support system, but it might be nice if you were willing to give him another shot,’” Ben says slowly. “At least that won’t be too pushy.”
“Excellent,” James says. “I’ll follow that up with my own little speech. He won’t listen to me – people rarely do. But I can at least point out that, of all the people at this table, I’ve known Garen the longest. I’m his best friend. So, if I can forgive him for the mess he’s made of everything, anyone can.”
“I’ll follow that by asking Travis to just consider it,” Ben says.
“—and then we drop it—”
“—and I’ll take him home with me,” Ben finishes. “I suppose I can find some excuse to get him to come back with me. He left some of his things at my house, and he’ll probably want them back.”
Suddenly, James leans forward, his eyes fixed on Ben’s. “Listen, Big Ben. I want you to tell me if you honestly have a problem with this, right now. If this is going to send you off the deep end, I can come up with some other tactic.”
“It’s fine,” Ben says shortly. “Just make the call.”
James pulls out his cell phone, and I sink down in my seat, feeling sicker than ever.
Under the table, James slips a hand into mine and gives it a brief squeeze. “I know you don’t. I know neitherof you do. But I think it’ll work.”
“It’s too fucked up, Jamie,” I say. When Ben’s eyes flicker towards me, I amend, as casually as I can, “James. This is, i-it’s disgusting, it’s manipulative. I’m not okay with this.”
“And I’m not okay with having my best friend leave rehab just to relapse the first time he sees Mr. Freckles again,” James says flatly. “If we can arrange a meeting between them now, while Garen is still essentially under lock and key, it’ll give him a chance to at least have his breakdown under supervision. It’ll still be ugly. But at least this way, we won’t have to worry about him disappearing for good.”
Ben gives an unnaturally slow shrug. “I don’t mind doing it.”
Yeah, of course you don’t. I’m going to vomit, I swear. “I mind you doing it, dude. It’s been a month now, and you still can’t even handle hearing someone say his name. I really don’t think that getting back with him to convince him to go visit Garen is—”
“I’m not getting back with him,” Ben interrupts. “I’m just sleeping with him. Once. You don’t… you’ve never been with Travis, not really. You don’t know what he’s like afterwards.”
“And you think his little afterglow will give you the opportunity to convince him that it’s in everyone’s best interest for him to go visit Garen tomorrow?” James says.
Ben almost smiles. It might look like a smile, maybe to James, or anyone else here, but I’ve known him too long, too well. He doesn’t mean it for a second. Still, he straightens up in his chair and says, “I can be very persuasive when I want to be. And when it comes to sex, Travis isn’t like us.”
James quirks an eyebrow. “Us?”
“People like you and I,” Ben says, with a barely imperceptible flick of the eyes towards me, as if to assure me that of course he just means James and himself. Not me. Not poor, (not very) virginal Alex. For the nine millionth time in two months and two weeks, I want to tell him about me and James, but nothing comes out. He continues, “Sex still means something to Travis. He honestly believes that it’s something people have to show how much they love each other.”
“And you?” James prompts.
“I lost my virginity in the backseat of a Honda to a guy whose last name I still don’t know. I’m not a naïve as Travis is,” Ben says flatly. “If I sleep with him, he’ll know I’m… he’ll assume it’s because we’re still in love. He’s not stupid, so it’s not like he’ll assume we’re back together. But he’ll feel like we are, and that should be enough to get him to listen to me about visiting Garen. Just tell me how you want this to go down, and I’ll make it happen.”
“I’m still not okay with this,” I say. James reaches up to card his fingers through the hair that falls against the nape of my neck, in what I assume he intends to be a comforting gesture. The way Ben’s brow furrows in slight confusion just makes me feel a little ill, though, so I shrug his hand off.
“We just need to plant the seeds of the idea when he’s here, with all of us. We’ll tell him about the meetings Garen’s counselors are urging him to go to, and Alex, maybe you could say something about how we all need to be there for him now,” James says.
I shake my head a little. “I can’t improvise, I won’t—”
“Just say… ‘I guess it’s just important that he has a support system in place. After everything that’s happened, nobody expects you to join that support system, but it might be nice if you were willing to give him another shot,’” Ben says slowly. “At least that won’t be too pushy.”
“Excellent,” James says. “I’ll follow that up with my own little speech. He won’t listen to me – people rarely do. But I can at least point out that, of all the people at this table, I’ve known Garen the longest. I’m his best friend. So, if I can forgive him for the mess he’s made of everything, anyone can.”
“I’ll follow that by asking Travis to just consider it,” Ben says.
“—and then we drop it—”
“—and I’ll take him home with me,” Ben finishes. “I suppose I can find some excuse to get him to come back with me. He left some of his things at my house, and he’ll probably want them back.”
Suddenly, James leans forward, his eyes fixed on Ben’s. “Listen, Big Ben. I want you to tell me if you honestly have a problem with this, right now. If this is going to send you off the deep end, I can come up with some other tactic.”
“It’s fine,” Ben says shortly. “Just make the call.”
James pulls out his cell phone, and I sink down in my seat, feeling sicker than ever.